Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Once upon a Christmas Eve a snowman dressed like a cowboy came to life for some reason. Some think it was because of a gust of special christmas snow. Some think it was the work of some winter wizard. There were other theories, one involving aliens which was kind of interesting. But the story of how the cowboy snowman came to life is not the story I'm telling here today. Some think it's because I didn't come up with a good origin story. Some people want to know why the snowman is dressed like a cowboy. They wonder what sort of kids made this snowman. But I can't worry all the time about whatever anyone else wants. I'm here to tell this one particular story about a cowboy snowman and his first christmas eve. Hopefully you'll agree that it's the most interesting angle I could have taken with something like this. I am starting to feel very self conscious. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. So this snowman dressed like a cowboy sort of wakes up and he's alive, out in the snow of course, in front of someone's house. He turns to the snowman beside him and says. "What am I?"
"Well you're a snowman for sure. I know this because I'm a snowman so I recognize another snowman when I see one." Replied the other snowman.
"Oh yeah. Okay. So what you look like is roughly what I look like."
"Roughly. But for some reason you're dressed like a cowboy?"
"Really? Why do you think?"
"I can't imagine."
"Well what kind of kids do you think made me?"
"I don't know."
"How am I alive do you think? Or you? How are either of us alive?"
And then Santa flew over their heads and they weren't sure what it was. Then they were quiet for a bit. Then they weren't alive anymore.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It was a crazy cold Christmas eve and Santa was feeling crummy and he didn't want to go deliver to all the kids. He thought to himself, he probably would anyway cause he's Santa and he's a very nice guy who would be willing to put himself out to make a lot of children happy all over the world but he for sure didn't want to go out. He wanted to get KFC and watch Die Hard and then It's a wonderful life and just drink hot chocolate and cookies. He texted Mrs. Claus "Don't you wish we could just get KFC and watch Die Hard and then It's a Wonderful Life instead of going all over the world tonight." And then he made a sad face out of punctuation.
He was almost ready to go. The sleigh was packed. He had a thermos of hot chocolate. He was all bundled up. But what he didn't have was the latest version of the list and where was his personal assistant elf, Jameson? Jameson was out back in his cousin Marty's ice fishing hut. Marty had been bugging him to check it out and come fishing and Jameson for some reason decided to take him up on the offer at the exact worst time - when he was supposed to be giving Santa his list. So Jameson and Marty are fishing, and they hear Santa yelling, JAMESON! JAMESON!
"Oh crap." says Jameson.
"That's Santa. I was supposed to give him the list. What should I do?"
And then a voice came from below them.
"Why don't you just give it to him" It was a fish!! A talking fish!
"What do you mean?" Asked Jameson.
"I mean, you have the list. Right?"
"Yeah it's right here."
"And you don't have any reason to not give it to him. Right"
"You're not mad at him or trying to keep a secret from him"
"No. I just forgot. I just went fishing."
"Do you think he's going to be mad at you?"
"I don't think so. He's a very very nice guy and I'm only like a minute late."
"So just go give it to him."
"Thank you talking fish."
"No problem amigo."
"Are you spanish?"
"No I just saw the three amigos for the first time"
"I know. You should seriously go give him that list though."
"Oh man. Right. Okay."
And then Jameson gave the list to Santa and he wasn't mad or anything and Jameson told Santa how cool and smart that fish was and that's why still today that fish is the doctor at santa's castle and workshop inc. It's very fortunate that nobody there ever gets sick because he has no medical training whatsoever. It's hard to criticize Santa for giving him that job though because his empire is really built on strange rash decisions.
-THIS IS A FIRST IN A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS CLASSICS BY ME. STAY TUNED.